Saturday, January 31, 2009

Quirks, habits.... Whatever you call them...

Second post in one day? This might become addicting! However, sitting here watching my son I had this urge to document something.
We all can see who our kids look like, who they act like, and where they inherit certain attributes, but I think we often overlook some things. The habits.
Gabby has this funny little thing she does with her tongue when she is concentrating, her daddy does it too. She stands with her hands on her hips so often it could be her signature pose, she gets that from me.
Alex, until today i don't think I noticed many of his little quirks. I mean, he talks in his sleep like his daddy, and has since before he could actually form words. He can get so zoned into the TV that you can say his name 8 times before he hears you, again, like his daddy. But just now I looked over at him watching a show and noticed him doing something. Something that i myself do ALL THE TIME, and as a matter of fact, was doing at that very moment. My son? He's a lip biter. Just like his momma.

The long road to Happily ever after...

So, I'm getting married (for the 2ND time) in about 181 days. That doesn't sound like a long time, and it isn't. It took me forever to get here. At least it feels that way. Let's start at the beginning...
When I was a little girl I knew that the only thing I really wanted to be when I grew up was a wife and a mother. I wanted to meet prince Charming and have him sweep me off my feet and ride off into the sunset. I think I wanted it so badly that i looked for him everywhere, at every opportunity. I thought I had met him so many times that when I finally really met him, I almost overlooked him.
The first time I met Mr. Right I was 17 and still living at home. He was sweet, had a great laugh and serious brown eyes. His name was Mike, and he would prove to be nothing short of a womanizer. We spent almost two years together before I discovered that he had cheated on me so many times it made me want to throw up. I was scarred. I swore to not ever allow a man to treat me that way again, and so begun my "wild" dating phase. I dated so many guys in such a small space of time that I'm not even sure I remember what order they went in. By the way, "dated", in no way means slept with. Uh, no. Remember, I was not about to get hurt, sex led to hurt feelings by one or both parties.
It was during this "wild" dating phase that I met Mr. Not-Even-Close-To-Right. His name was Rob, he was tall, dark and handsome. He looked like he had a permanent tan. I'm not sure of his nationality, but he was beautiful. He swept me off my feet at a nightclub. Literally. My girlfriends swooned when he came up to me and without saying a word, led me to the dance floor for a slow song. It was only once i caught my breath that he introduced himself. So smooth. He and I dated for two months, he met my family, I met his, he introduced me as his girlfriend to everyone. It was perfect, I had found Mr. Right without looking. Except he had another girlfriend. And this one? Was about to have his baby. Yeah. My heart sank.
Then I met Mike number 2. (Really, he was about the 5Th Mike I had met and dated in my life. Weird.) He was not tall, dark, or very handsome. But he was sweet. And he said all the right things, all at the right times. And he lived far enough away that we could take things slow and we both dated other people. I think me more than him, but remember, he was not very handsome. Then he moved closer, and wanted to get more serious. We began dating exclusively, then we moved in with two other couples. It was good. We were happy. His mom was a little overbearing, but I could take it, after all, she only had one boy and one girl and he was a mommas boy. Who could you trust if not a mommas boy?? We would spend the next five years together. It was such a toxic relationship. There was lying, cheating, verbal abuse, throwing things, negative addictions, screaming, you name it, other than actually hitting each other, it was there.
And that was all before the wedding. Yup, I married him.
Our relationship came to breaking point 12 days before our wedding date. I was set to call the whole thing off, but then I was sad and embarrassed. Sad that my parents had spent so much of the money they didn't have to give me a fairytale wedding. And embarrassed that I had let things go so far. I knew they were bad so long before the invitations went out, but I was so afraid of never finding Mr. Right, that I was willing to settle for Mr. He'll do. Five months after the wedding, a day before my UNPROFESSIONAL photographer (in her defense, this was her first wedding and she was way out of her league) showed up with our wedding pictures, I kicked him out. I had begun counseling a month after our honeymoon, alone. He refused to go with me but I knew I needed to talk to someone. I wanted him to go, i thought we could work through our issues and have a happy marriage. In my mind, Divorce was not an option. Until it became one.
I was willing to wait. Wait for him to be ready for counseling, wait for him to be willing to try to make it work. Wait for him to love me like i loved him. But he moved to the next state over, and the only contact we would have is when he would call me crying about how much he loved me. Those conversations would always start and end the same way. He would cry about how much he loved me and wanted to come home, i would cry and tell him that's what I wanted as well, he would then ask if he could come home and I would tell him, as soon as he was ready to go to counseling with me. And then he would get angry and end the call. I still held out hope. Then one night we made plans to see each other at a comedy club close to where I lived, one of our friends would be performing and we would just see each other and say hello. Except he came with a girl, a girl I walked out of the bathroom and saw him making out with. The following Monday morning I filed divorce papers.
When I first met my Keith I was at such a crossroads in my life. I didn't want to define our relationship because I didn't trust that I would be able to maintain it if it had a name. We started out just being together, without a definition. I'm so thankful that he was able to do that with me, for me. I almost ended it once when he "accidentally" told me he loved me, instead I just pretended I didn't hear him. I was still legally married. My heart was still kept behind a force field that i would not allow to be penetrated. Keith was everything I had ever wanted in my life, everything I needed, but I was scared. He knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid to tell me every chance he got. The people closest to me in my life knew he was "The One", they knew he was for real. I needed a lot of convincing. I really liked him a lot, he was so darn cute, and he was sweet about the whole married thing. His family was/is amazing. He told them I was married but getting divorced, they didn't care. I was so afraid that his mom would think less of me, she was married for so many years to the same man, they had five kids together before his death about a year prior to my meeting Keith. I thought she might think that because he had just lost his dad that he was not thinking clearly, getting involved with a married woman, really, what mother wants that for her son? But all my fears were irrational, she was wonderful, welcomed me with open arms. And when nine months after we began dating i got pregnant*, all she asked was, "when's the wedding?" So now, 8 years, and two kids later we are finally answering her question and having the wedding.
The road was long, and at times I thought I had hit a dead end, but I'm so glad I chose the road I did because I think if I had taken any other path it may not have led me to Keith. I'd take all the pain and all the heartache 10 times over if I get to see his smiling face waiting for me at the end of the Journey.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

My kids say the funniest things...

Alex: "Mommy i need jajamas."

Today on the ride home from school...
Alex "Mommy, daddy can't play foopa in the no." Translation: Mommy, daddy can't play football in the snow."

Alex's best friend from acrossed the street started at his Preschool this week. When i asked his mom how it went she said that he had gotten time out, she thought for wrestling with Alex. So I asked Alex about it.
Me: "Alex, did you get time out today at school?"
Alex : "No."
Me: "Oh, Caleb got time out, why didn't you get a time out."
Alex: "because, I was a great boy."

Gabby got a bad case of the Pink eye over the last weekend. As I was showing her in the mirror how red her eye was she turned to me, and in the saddest little voice said, "Mommy, can i skip school tomorrow? " My poor girl was so afraid her friends would see her like that. Luckily, it was Saturday. The next day she asked me, " mommy, how did I get the pink eye, and when will it go away?"

Monday, January 26, 2009

Not me Monday...

So it's here again... Monday! It's time to not confess to all the things I did not do this past week!!
Enjoy my non confessions, and then hop on over to McMama's blog and read hers and other peoples non confessions!

I did not skip my weight watchers meeting last week because I knew that I had not been a very diligent member and most likely had gained rather than lost. I could not do this because I most certainly am not in WW to try to lose the baby weight. My baby is almost four, that weight has been gone for years!

I did not overbook myself on Saturday and have to call last minute to send my apologies about not being able to attend a birthday because of a previous commitment. Nope, I always remember when I have things to attend and do not frequently finding myself missing this event or that because It has just slipped my mind.

I did not send my 6 year old daughter to swim class on Thursday in a completely see thru gymnastics outfit because she has outgrown her swimsuit. I would not do that, i know that a white gymnast outfit is most likely going to be see thru. DUH!

I definitely did not agree to watch my friends one year old on Friday AND Saturday evenings and then instantly regret it because i selfishly wanted to be alone with my almost four year old while his sister was at a sleepover. I love doing favors for my friends and would never not want to help them out.

I did not spend all day Sunday in my PJ's and allow my children to do the same. Nope, that would be crazy, we all got up and got dressed instantly and then made our beds. I did not just sit and watch movies with my kids. Nope, not me!!!

And last but not least...

My dear soon-to-be husband most certainly did not allow our not yet four year old stay up until after 1am last night and watch a movie with him. He did not do this because he allowed said child to take a almost 3 hour nap before dinner so the child was not tired. NOPE, NOT HIM!!
And the child in question did not have a hard time getting up for school this morning, no way, he was well rested and ready to go.

I guess that last one isn't so much of a not me as it is a not him, and in a OH MY GOSH I can't believe he did that sort of way!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Kids... who needs words??

This is Gabby. Super posey, but so cute!!!!

This, is Alex. 100% all boy, need I say more??

This is my niece Ashley. I know. She owns me right now.

Monday, January 19, 2009

My kids say the funniest things....

I love the way my kids mispronounce things. I do not correct them if it's something i find adorable. Examples...
Example one...
Gabby:Mommy, the three year olds have a skwedual now.(Yes, pronounces, SKWEDUAL!)
Me: What do they have honey?? (Snicker, snicker)
Gabby: a skwedual.
Me: Oh, that's good... it's nice to have a skwedual. (wouldn't want her to hear the correct way to say it and feel bad about herself!)
Example two...
Me: So were you excited that Mem mae(Thats How I pronounce it) picked you up at school today?
Gabby: Yeah, we had so much fun at May Mays house! (She has always said Maymay, no matter how I say it! I love it!)

Example three...
Me: Alex, what was Papa doing to out there?
Alex: He was crashing the no!!! (He was actually "crashing" the snow!)

Example four...
Me: (in the van) Alex, what is baby Ashley doing.
Alex: She's weeping. (Sleeping)

My son tells me he loves me, Ininity.... which i know means infinity. I love him ininity too!

Not me Monday... take 2!!

So it's here again. Monday. What can we do to make this day bearable you ask?? Well here's a great idea, why not participate in Mckmama's not me Monday fun!!!

I did not come home from my Weight Watchers meeting last Monday evening to grab a handful of M&M's thinking, Better luck next week. Nope, not me, that would be self sabotage and I am above that since I am 7 months in to this WW thing.

I was not super thankful that my sister was the first to discover her daughters first tooth on Wednesday night after i had spent the whole day with her and hadn't even thought to check. Which I do not do daily since I babysit her, I would not stick my fingers in that beautiful babys mouth searching for toofies!

I did not make my children stay in the house all day on Saturday, and even go so far as to close the blinds so that they would not see their friends out there and ask to go out.
I did not do this because I was sick and just didn't want to lay on the chair and drown in my own sorrow and yuckiness. I'm the mom, i don't get sick.

I did not drive in a mini blizzard yesterday just to keep my spa appointment for a facial and a eyebrow waxing. That would be silly and a little dangerous.
Said Spa treatments did not feel so good that I contemplated adding more on and calling home to say I was stuck there because of the snow. That would be wrong to even consider.

I did not wake up on the couch this morning because Keith most certainly was not snoring loud enough to wake the dead last night. And when I didn't wake up on the couch i did not descover that I was relapsing from the same cold I dealt with on Saturday. Nope, not me, I feel great.

I did not consider calling the kids private school/daycare to ask if I could bring them in for a couple of hours today afterall, even though I did not sign them up to be there today. I am not thankful that they are proving me wrong and being very good today.

That must be all for today... I shall be back next week with a whole new list of things I most certainly did not do!!!!

Happy Monday!!!!!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Not Me!!!

So this is my first attempt at participating in "not me" monday. What is "not me" monday you ask?? Well MckMama over here started it. It's when you don't confess to all sorts of things you most certainly didn't do. Here we go...
I did not make my future husband a very nice meal of his favorites just to make him feel more guilty about doing something I didn't want him to do.
I also did not stay in my pajamas all day on Saturday and tell my children their friends weren't at home when they asked to go out to play. I did not do that, that would be selfish and mean. Making them stay in all day just because i wasn't at all exhausted from attending my cousins funeral the day before.
I did not throw away my sons hand me down spiderman rollerskates in a fit of rage after tripping over them one too many times on the side of my bed. Nope, that soooo wasn't me.
I did not put pajama pants on after my shower this morning to go over to my sisters house to watch my niece. I do not leave the house in my pajamas.
I also did not have to look down at the grocery store yesterday when some man commented on my sweatshirt just to remember what one I had on. Of course I know what I'm putting on, you don't think I just grab the closest sweater/sweatshirt to leave the house.
I'm sure that there are lots more things i didn't do that i shouldn't share. But I can't think of any.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

I'm so angry.

My cousins funeral is tomorrow, 3 and a half hours from where I live. I have been trying all day to find someone who could take my kids. I need someone to pick them up from school at 2 and sit with them for a few hours. The only people who have even said they would like to, can't. One doesn't drive, and the other has two kids of her own and only a small car, not big enough for four kids. Why? Why do we have huge families and not one person to count on in this situation?? If it were someone in his family so many members of my family would be willing to take our kids. But everyone who could take them, are going to the funeral.
So angry.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Out of the mouths of my kids.

We were in the car discussing the fact that they are going to be taking swimming lessons through their school.
Gabby: Mommy I can bring my arm floaties.
M: Gab I don't think you'll need them, they are going to teach you how to swim without them.
G completely apprehensive : But I'll drown.
M: no you won't honey, you'll be okay.
G: But I'm only 6, I'm little. Kind of little.
M holding back the laughter: You'll be okay, Cara and Maddie(Of Jon and Kate plus 8 fame) don't use arm floaties and they are 6.
G: Okay. (totally all better, and all because I mentioned her two new BFFs, who she only knows on TV.)

One night Alex was watching tv in our room, i went in to tell him to go to sleep because it was getting late and he had school tomorrow.
M: Hey honey, you need to go nigh night now.
A: Don't change it, I don't need you to change it.
M: I won't change it, if you close your eyes.
A: But I can't see the TV.

Keith and I recently went on vacation for 4 days, 3 nights. Our first alone and I was completely missing the kids by the time the plane touched down. I called home to say goodnight. Then again the next morning to see how it went, then again later to just check in and say goodnight for the second night. Too much???
M on the phone with Gabby: hi honey, do you miss me?
G: a little. 2 more sleeps right, i get to stay for two more sleeps? (Notice she said "gets to" not has to.
M: yup, two more sleeps. I miss you, be good and have a good sleepover.
G: Okay.
M: Can I talk to Alex?
G: yup, (hollers) ALEX.... it's mommy.
Alex: AGAIN?

yeah, i may have been a little to worried about them missing me. Turns out I was hindering their vacation.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Billie Jean...

When I was a kid we had so many family members it was hard to know how we were related to everyone. I had more Aunts, Uncles, and cousins than my parents did siblings. But I never really questioned it, if i was told they were family, then they were family.
So was the case with Billie Jean and her siblings, Amber and Jamie. They were cousins, no questions asked, no hesitations to share everything. Billie Jean was the oldest of 5, she was so cool, tomboyish, adventurous, your regular free spirit. Her life wasn't easy, she had so many obstacles early on. One of her sisters was killed in a horrible accident where Bj herself, and her little brother Jamie both suffered some serious burns. Then her mother had another child who she wasn't in any condition to care for, so she was given up for adoption.
For so many years throughout her childhood Billie Jean was made to feel as though she was to blame for her older sisters death. She suffered so many emotional problems and had many breakdowns along the way to finding herself. But she did. She found who she was and it changed her. She came out to our family as a lesbian and found that all her fears she had been harboring for so many years were unfounded. We just loved her. We didn't care who she loved. When she had her daughter she was still in a rather unstable place in her life. There was almost an adoption, until she found that she loved her so much she needed to be the one to raise her.
In the last, oh way to many years to count Bj has lived about 4 hours from where I am so I have not seen her a lot. But when I did she always looked the same, she didn't age. So many of my childhood memories include her, some good, some bad, but all memories I will cherish forever. She scared me so many times when i was little, she threw me in the deep end of the pool, she just all around loved to torture her sister Amber and I. She was 7 years older than me and 5 years older than Amber, of course she would tease us and taunt us, that's what older siblings and cousins do. But I will be forever thankful that I knew her, that I had her in my life, even if it was too briefly.
I will miss you always Billie Jean. I know that you haven't been around but i have always known you were out there, somewhere living, laughing, just being you. It hurts me so much that you will not still be out there. That you will not get to watch your beautiful daughter grow into an adult. We will do what we can to help her remember who you were, and to be a smart, productive adult. Rest in Peace. Enjoy your reunions with your sister and grampa.