So I had my lumpectomy on the right breast and a guided biopsy on the left breast on October 11th. At my follow up the my surgeon told me that he had gotten the clear/negative margins and that I was Cancer free!!! YAY! So I'm walking around for the past next two weeks on cloud nine, dealing with just the psychological stuff, and there has been stuff. Then I went and saw an Oncologist. UGH. She basically said that she believes that I should have opted for a Mastectomy, that she believes that it will come back and I will end up getting one anyway. Now I'm pissed. Not at anyone in particular, just in general. I'm scared, I feel broken. I'm heartbroken. I know it seems so silly to be so upset, they are after all, as a friend(?) so eloquently put it, "just boobs". But they're not, are they? It feels like so much more. I'm so angry at said friend for saying that, and for saying, "I had a feeling this would happen. I thought you should have done the mastectomy to begin with, you can get bigger and better ones." HOW DARE SHE? How dare she insinuate that she has any idea? I don't believe there is one person in my whole world who could have any idea what this feels like for me. I feel lost and alone. I feel afraid every day that the cancer is growing back. I'm sad, angry, scared, anxious. Broken
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
I know that I cannot change people. I cannot change their thoughts, their feeling, or their views on my life. I know that I have to accept them in my life anyway if I love them. I have the courage to stand up to them when I know that they are wrong. And I have the wisdom to walk away from conflict that would be caused by trying to change their opinion.
I know that this was a confusing start to this post, but i just let my fingers go and do as they wished. I'm currently in a conflict with a very good friend and I really need to just let it go. It's hard sometimes to walk away when we believe we are right. Eh, what's done is done. And this blog? It's done for today!!
Is it really November? Was my last post really in MARCH!? What a total neglect of this blogging thing. I don't think I'm very good at all of this, writing, documenting, taking time out for me. I mean, really, I have written a few notes on my Facebook page, but that is the easy way out. I read so many awesome blogs, and I always think and say that i want to do that, I CAN do that. Not that anyone reads my little blog, but I would like to keep up with it for me. Something I can look back on and jolt a memory or two. So here we go again... May this be the first of many more frequent posts to come.
So we've been married 3 months, are we still Newlyweds?? And does it matter that we were together for 8 years before making it official? I still feel like a newlywed. I am still head over heels in love with my husband. I still get goosebumps when he touches me. He's still the number one person that I like spending my time with. (not counting the little people of course) Speaking of the little people... How is it possible that the girl is already 7?? We had a great birthday for her about two weeks ago, it was the first time that both sides of our family attended the same party. Aside from the wedding. Does anyone else stress while hosting a party? No? Just me?? I hate being a hostess. I always wonder if everyone is enjoying themselves. Am I serving the right kind of food? Is the party moving along at a fast enough pace? I think I put too much pressure on myself. SO... Gabby turned 7, she is still as smart, pretty and amazing as she has always been and I simply love and adore her. She started public school this year, 2nd grade!! She is thriving in a class of 17 students, which includes one of her Second cousins. The girls, who until now only saw each other once every couple of years, have become BEST friends. Gabby has made some pretty funny statements in the recent past. First there was the day she was looking at herself in the mirror and out of nowhere says, "Mommy, my hair is blond now!!" With all the excitement of a little girl who has just been told she can have a puppy. The funny thing about this statement?? UM, yeah, she has ALWAYS been blond. I mean, her hair gets a little darker in the winter time, but it's always blond. People have asked me if I highlight it because even when it is dark she has these bright blond highlights. For the record, I would NOT highlight my little girls hair. So that's the girl, about the boy... I just love him. He is the most charming four year old boy to have ever lived. I SWEAR. He flashes me his one dimpled, cocked eyebrow smile and I am smitten. I mean seriously? I am in love with this boy. I may need therapy when he starts dating. Oh my just the thought sends my heart in to a tailspin! The biggest obstacle we are facing at the moment is our inability to stay mad at the little turd when he is naughty. Thankfully, that's not often, and my resolve is definitely stronger than his daddy's. He still talks with a little speech impediment, but he thrives to learn. He wants to tie his shoe, do math with his sister, read books, you name it he wants to do it. He says the funniest things. The other day we were in the car and he said to me, "mommy I'm getting so old. I'm four and half now, that's almost five." Oh and both my children do the cutest thing, they ask me simple math problems, and when I know the answer they are shocked at how smart I am. To them I am Einstein. I LOVE THAT.
Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
So I missed a week of Not me Monday... but here I am ready to jump back into the saddle and relive all the things I did not do this week!!!
Let's start with this afternoon, I most certainly did not bang my head with the car door so hard that I now have a rather purple bruise on my forehead. Nope. I didn't. And it didn't hurt either.
When my very bestest sister in the whole world hosted a shopping party at a super cool store that was closed to everyone except us and our friends i did not go totally crazy in the types of things I tried on. Nope. I stuck to jeans and tshirts... sure I did.
At the same party, I did not buy the most expensive pair of jeans I will ever own in this lifetime. I have not been contemplating taking them back all day today in exchange for two cheaper pair. Nope, they were not half the cost of one of our car payments. I am very frugal and would never spend that much.
I definitely did not have a day that I thought for one second of giving my almost four year old his first very real spanking ever. I would not even think such a thing, as we are a no spanking household and to even think it would make me feel guilty. Whoo... I'm so glad that didn't happen.
I did not spend a whole day just driving around, "window" shopping and blasting the radio in my car while my children were at school and my niece was with her daddy. Nope, my free time would be better spent at home cleaning or reorganizing something. It would not feel FANTASTIC to just take a day to chill alone.
While I was not out wasting the day I certainly did not happen to stop at the second hand clothing store and find four skirts, a jacket, a pair of leggings and a pair of pants for my daughter, a pair of pants for my son and 3 outfits, a pair of capris and a pair of jean shorts for my niece all for only $24!!! That would be a steal, and would totally make my "wasted" day worth it!!!! Nope, I didn't do it.
And lastly, but not least, I did not have this Text conversation with the love of my life, ME: I got you some girl scout cookies. Him: I'm on a diet. Me:Yeah, I could tell by all the empty bags of chips in our house, that's why only bought one box. Him: Thank you.
Oh and this was not after the following exchange via Facebook... Him: Chips ruin my diet Me: Only because you let them... you notice that I am able to resist most temptation! It's called willpower baby. WILLPOWER!
Nope, none of that happened because it would be mean to insinuate that he has a weight problem. Even if he said it first.
Welcome to "Not Me Monday" This blog carnival was created by Mckmama. Head right on over to her blog to see what she, and everyone else have not been doing this week!
As for me, here is what I have NOT been up to this week.
Firstly, I did not choose to keep my kids home from childcare last week because there was no school so they didn't need to go. Then on that same note, I most certainly did not buy my children Happy Meals from Mcdonalds for lunch two days in a row because we were out running errands and I did not lose track of time until the three year old didn't claim to be hungry. That would be very Unmommy like of me.
I did not completely love seeing my children during their swimming lessons that I am not usually able to attend. I am not super proud of how well they are doing in the water, especially my 6 year old who would NEVER put her face in the water. (But she does!)
I did not fall down the stairs at my parents house Friday night as I was leaving. That would be super embarrassing, even though it was really snowy and I was essentially wearing slippers. My Cell phone did not then spend the night in the snow at their house because I did not drop it when I didn't fall.
I did not almost Cry when I discovered my cell phone missing. I definitely did not spend a good 45 minutes sending texts to Keith from the computer trying to locate it. And I was not super thankful that although I had neglected the poor Celly, it still worked after thawing in front of the parents wood stove.
I did not have two birthday parties to attend on Saturday back-to-back, and I most certainly did not assume that at least one of them would have more than cake and ice cream so therefore i did not feed my babies lunch before we went. My children did not eat just cake and Ice cream for lunch. (Especially after the two days of Mcdonalds)
I did not save $60 on 6 toys by hitting up a sale that a friend told me about. I most certainly did not allow each of my children to choose something, and i did not buy two toys that I have no idea who to give them too just because they were 80% off. I am not proud of myself for hitting two super awesome sales in as many weeks.
And lastly, I did not take my children Tubing down huge mountain type hills at speeds of 35mph or more on nothing but a rubber tube. My children did not absolutely love this and my 3 year old did not repeatedly say it was, "Awesome" and "Super cool." Nope, Not me.
Not me Monday is a way for us to get off our chests all the things we did, but couldn't really admit to... So go on over to McMama's blog to check out her Not me's, and follow the links to a bunch of others, and if you haven't already, join in with your own batch!!! It's fun and Harmless!
Hmmm.... let's see what I didn't do this week.
Let's start with the biggest thing i didn't do this week, I most certainly did not wake up in so much pain, twice, that my loving husband to be insist I go to the hospital. I did not then undergo a CT scan of my lower body to try to diagnose the pain, only to be told I had most likely pulled a muscle in the kidney region. I did not "forget" to tell the DR that i had just this week begun working out on my Wii fit. Um, nope, not me.
Let's get back to the Wii, I did not convince hubby to be that we should just go ahead and buy one as a "Family Valentines gift..." and then toss in the fit at the last minute. He did not just look up at me with a loving little smile, while acknowledging that he knew what i had done.
I do not love my wii and wii fit. Nope, I don't think of getting home to use it, that's ridiculous. It is a workout people, and workouts, they are not fun.
I did not wrap my almost four year old son in a blanket and then pry his eyes open in order to get some drops in there to clear up the pink eye that he most certainly does not have. Nope, that would be torture for both of us, and it would not make me cry that I had traumatized him.
I have not discovered how wonderful my little George Foreman grill is for making Chicken to put atop a garden salad. I definately didn't JUST discover this, as I have had this GF Grill for about 8 years. Of course I have cooked more than hamburgers or hotdogs on it. Of course
and lastly, but most certainly not the least exciting... I did not go into a greeting card store today for one card for my sweet future Husband for VDay, and walk out with 8 cards, a Webkinz lip gloss, and four new webkinz all for the fabulously low price of $22. 30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nope, not me.
Second post in one day? This might become addicting! However, sitting here watching my son I had this urge to document something. We all can see who our kids look like, who they act like, and where they inherit certain attributes, but I think we often overlook some things. The habits. Gabby has this funny little thing she does with her tongue when she is concentrating, her daddy does it too. She stands with her hands on her hips so often it could be her signature pose, she gets that from me. Alex, until today i don't think I noticed many of his little quirks. I mean, he talks in his sleep like his daddy, and has since before he could actually form words. He can get so zoned into the TV that you can say his name 8 times before he hears you, again, like his daddy. But just now I looked over at him watching a show and noticed him doing something. Something that i myself do ALL THE TIME, and as a matter of fact, was doing at that very moment. My son? He's a lip biter. Just like his momma.
So, I'm getting married (for the 2ND time) in about 181 days. That doesn't sound like a long time, and it isn't. It took me forever to get here. At least it feels that way. Let's start at the beginning... When I was a little girl I knew that the only thing I really wanted to be when I grew up was a wife and a mother. I wanted to meet prince Charming and have him sweep me off my feet and ride off into the sunset. I think I wanted it so badly that i looked for him everywhere, at every opportunity. I thought I had met him so many times that when I finally really met him, I almost overlooked him. The first time I met Mr. Right I was 17 and still living at home. He was sweet, had a great laugh and serious brown eyes. His name was Mike, and he would prove to be nothing short of a womanizer. We spent almost two years together before I discovered that he had cheated on me so many times it made me want to throw up. I was scarred. I swore to not ever allow a man to treat me that way again, and so begun my "wild" dating phase. I dated so many guys in such a small space of time that I'm not even sure I remember what order they went in. By the way, "dated", in no way means slept with. Uh, no. Remember, I was not about to get hurt, sex led to hurt feelings by one or both parties. It was during this "wild" dating phase that I met Mr. Not-Even-Close-To-Right. His name was Rob, he was tall, dark and handsome. He looked like he had a permanent tan. I'm not sure of his nationality, but he was beautiful. He swept me off my feet at a nightclub. Literally. My girlfriends swooned when he came up to me and without saying a word, led me to the dance floor for a slow song. It was only once i caught my breath that he introduced himself. So smooth. He and I dated for two months, he met my family, I met his, he introduced me as his girlfriend to everyone. It was perfect, I had found Mr. Right without looking. Except he had another girlfriend. And this one? Was about to have his baby. Yeah. My heart sank. Then I met Mike number 2. (Really, he was about the 5Th Mike I had met and dated in my life. Weird.) He was not tall, dark, or very handsome. But he was sweet. And he said all the right things, all at the right times. And he lived far enough away that we could take things slow and we both dated other people. I think me more than him, but remember, he was not very handsome. Then he moved closer, and wanted to get more serious. We began dating exclusively, then we moved in with two other couples. It was good. We were happy. His mom was a little overbearing, but I could take it, after all, she only had one boy and one girl and he was a mommas boy. Who could you trust if not a mommas boy?? We would spend the next five years together. It was such a toxic relationship. There was lying, cheating, verbal abuse, throwing things, negative addictions, screaming, you name it, other than actually hitting each other, it was there. And that was all before the wedding. Yup, I married him. Our relationship came to breaking point 12 days before our wedding date. I was set to call the whole thing off, but then I was sad and embarrassed. Sad that my parents had spent so much of the money they didn't have to give me a fairytale wedding. And embarrassed that I had let things go so far. I knew they were bad so long before the invitations went out, but I was so afraid of never finding Mr. Right, that I was willing to settle for Mr. He'll do. Five months after the wedding, a day before my UNPROFESSIONAL photographer (in her defense, this was her first wedding and she was way out of her league) showed up with our wedding pictures, I kicked him out. I had begun counseling a month after our honeymoon, alone. He refused to go with me but I knew I needed to talk to someone. I wanted him to go, i thought we could work through our issues and have a happy marriage. In my mind, Divorce was not an option. Until it became one. I was willing to wait. Wait for him to be ready for counseling, wait for him to be willing to try to make it work. Wait for him to love me like i loved him. But he moved to the next state over, and the only contact we would have is when he would call me crying about how much he loved me. Those conversations would always start and end the same way. He would cry about how much he loved me and wanted to come home, i would cry and tell him that's what I wanted as well, he would then ask if he could come home and I would tell him, as soon as he was ready to go to counseling with me. And then he would get angry and end the call. I still held out hope. Then one night we made plans to see each other at a comedy club close to where I lived, one of our friends would be performing and we would just see each other and say hello. Except he came with a girl, a girl I walked out of the bathroom and saw him making out with. The following Monday morning I filed divorce papers. When I first met my Keith I was at such a crossroads in my life. I didn't want to define our relationship because I didn't trust that I would be able to maintain it if it had a name. We started out just being together, without a definition. I'm so thankful that he was able to do that with me, for me. I almost ended it once when he "accidentally" told me he loved me, instead I just pretended I didn't hear him. I was still legally married. My heart was still kept behind a force field that i would not allow to be penetrated. Keith was everything I had ever wanted in my life, everything I needed, but I was scared. He knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid to tell me every chance he got. The people closest to me in my life knew he was "The One", they knew he was for real. I needed a lot of convincing. I really liked him a lot, he was so darn cute, and he was sweet about the whole married thing. His family was/is amazing. He told them I was married but getting divorced, they didn't care. I was so afraid that his mom would think less of me, she was married for so many years to the same man, they had five kids together before his death about a year prior to my meeting Keith. I thought she might think that because he had just lost his dad that he was not thinking clearly, getting involved with a married woman, really, what mother wants that for her son? But all my fears were irrational, she was wonderful, welcomed me with open arms. And when nine months after we began dating i got pregnant*, all she asked was, "when's the wedding?" So now, 8 years, and two kids later we are finally answering her question and having the wedding. The road was long, and at times I thought I had hit a dead end, but I'm so glad I chose the road I did because I think if I had taken any other path it may not have led me to Keith. I'd take all the pain and all the heartache 10 times over if I get to see his smiling face waiting for me at the end of the Journey.