Monday, November 16, 2009

Friends don't always say the right thing.

So I had my lumpectomy on the right breast and a guided biopsy on the left breast on October 11th. At my follow up the my surgeon told me that he had gotten the clear/negative margins and that I was Cancer free!!! YAY! So I'm walking around for the past next two weeks on cloud nine, dealing with just the psychological stuff, and there has been stuff. Then I went and saw an Oncologist. UGH. She basically said that she believes that I should have opted for a Mastectomy, that she believes that it will come back and I will end up getting one anyway. Now I'm pissed. Not at anyone in particular, just in general. I'm scared, I feel broken. I'm heartbroken. I know it seems so silly to be so upset, they are after all, as a friend(?) so eloquently put it, "just boobs". But they're not, are they? It feels like so much more. I'm so angry at said friend for saying that, and for saying, "I had a feeling this would happen. I thought you should have done the mastectomy to begin with, you can get bigger and better ones." HOW DARE SHE? How dare she insinuate that she has any idea? I don't believe there is one person in my whole world who could have any idea what this feels like for me. I feel lost and alone. I feel afraid every day that the cancer is growing back. I'm sad, angry, scared, anxious. Broken

Thursday, November 12, 2009

God grant me the strength...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

I know that I cannot change people. I cannot change their thoughts, their feeling, or their views on my life. I know that I have to accept them in my life anyway if I love them. I have the courage to stand up to them when I know that they are wrong. And I have the wisdom to walk away from conflict that would be caused by trying to change their opinion.

I know that this was a confusing start to this post, but i just let my fingers go and do as they wished. I'm currently in a conflict with a very good friend and I really need to just let it go. It's hard sometimes to walk away when we believe we are right. Eh, what's done is done. And this blog? It's done for today!!

Friday, November 06, 2009

Where o where has the time gone?

Is it really November? Was my last post really in MARCH!? What a total neglect of this blogging thing. I don't think I'm very good at all of this, writing, documenting, taking time out for me. I mean, really, I have written a few notes on my Facebook page, but that is the easy way out. I read so many awesome blogs, and I always think and say that i want to do that, I CAN do that. Not that anyone reads my little blog, but I would like to keep up with it for me. Something I can look back on and jolt a memory or two. So here we go again... May this be the first of many more frequent posts to come.

So we've been married 3 months, are we still Newlyweds?? And does it matter that we were together for 8 years before making it official? I still feel like a newlywed. I am still head over heels in love with my husband. I still get goosebumps when he touches me. He's still the number one person that I like spending my time with. (not counting the little people of course)
Speaking of the little people...
How is it possible that the girl is already 7?? We had a great birthday for her about two weeks ago, it was the first time that both sides of our family attended the same party. Aside from the wedding. Does anyone else stress while hosting a party? No? Just me?? I hate being a hostess. I always wonder if everyone is enjoying themselves. Am I serving the right kind of food? Is the party moving along at a fast enough pace? I think I put too much pressure on myself.
SO... Gabby turned 7, she is still as smart, pretty and amazing as she has always been and I simply love and adore her. She started public school this year, 2nd grade!! She is thriving in a class of 17 students, which includes one of her Second cousins. The girls, who until now only saw each other once every couple of years, have become BEST friends. Gabby has made some pretty funny statements in the recent past. First there was the day she was looking at herself in the mirror and out of nowhere says, "Mommy, my hair is blond now!!" With all the excitement of a little girl who has just been told she can have a puppy. The funny thing about this statement?? UM, yeah, she has ALWAYS been blond. I mean, her hair gets a little darker in the winter time, but it's always blond. People have asked me if I highlight it because even when it is dark she has these bright blond highlights. For the record, I would NOT highlight my little girls hair.
So that's the girl, about the boy...
I just love him. He is the most charming four year old boy to have ever lived. I SWEAR. He flashes me his one dimpled, cocked eyebrow smile and I am smitten. I mean seriously? I am in love with this boy. I may need therapy when he starts dating. Oh my just the thought sends my heart in to a tailspin! The biggest obstacle we are facing at the moment is our inability to stay mad at the little turd when he is naughty. Thankfully, that's not often, and my resolve is definitely stronger than his daddy's. He still talks with a little speech impediment, but he thrives to learn. He wants to tie his shoe, do math with his sister, read books, you name it he wants to do it. He says the funniest things. The other day we were in the car and he said to me, "mommy I'm getting so old. I'm four and half now, that's almost five." Oh and both my children do the cutest thing, they ask me simple math problems, and when I know the answer they are shocked at how smart I am. To them I am Einstein. I LOVE THAT.